Yesterday was Mother's Day. I haven't had these run down feelings in a while, but yesterday for some reason, it got to me & I just wanted it to end. You would think after 30 years it would bother me so much. I wasn't weepy or anything, just blah and sad. I wanted yesterday to get over with, which is so not me. You would have 'snatched a knot' in me, if you saw how I was acting. You told me not to be sad for you or long for you, but just darn. I had no urge to do anything. I came into Montgomery yesterday to pick up a kid and didn't even go to the cemetery. You are more than some pile of dirt & a headstone to me. That is not you. YOU are not there. You are healthy, with a new body, walking on a street of gold.
At one point in my life, I was so lost. You would not have been very proud. I made some bad decisions, but now I have reached a point, Mom, where I am very comfortable with my life and you would be so happy that I am what I am today. One regret that I have is that you were not here to see my children. I don't believe that God allows people in Heaven to look down, because the Earth is full of sin & He doesn't allow sin in Heaven. Some may disagree, but that is my take on it. I have told them about you & stories about when I was little. In fact, I was just talking to Kevin last night about you & how I wish you would have been here to see him.
Something else you need to know. I have an amazing husband. It took me a while to finally find him. He's one of the hardest working people that I have ever met. I think you two would get along great! He doesn't put up with a lot of garbage and neither did you, so that's why I think you would love him.
I never learned to sew, like you. I remember when you used to make our clothes. I had no interest in it. Now I regret that. I could really use that skill now. What you would love to know is that the children are all involved in sports. They play or have played soccer, baseball, softball, and two of them wrestle for the school. The oldest was even on a swim team, at one point. I wish you were here to see yell for them. I remember when you used to cart us to the field daily for games or practices. You ran the concession stand. Also, you were on the PTA board for our schools. You were also a substitute teacher, which was the worst thing ever in a child's eyes. You were ALWAYS at my school and if we got in trouble, you already knew! I find that funny now, but then... not so much. Something else about me that I wish you knew is that I can fry chicken just like you & I can duplicate your potato salad recipe. It's awesome, everyone says.
I just missed you yesterday, I suppose. I did have a good day. I had homemade french toast & sausage for breakfast & I got a homemade card from the youngest & your son in law got me a gardenia bush to plant under the window in the kitchen. It smells so good. We also went fishing yesterday afternoon in the pond. I did manage to keep that aspect of when I was a child. I remember vividly going fishing with you & my grandfathers.
Well, that's about it for now. I will just hold fast to you in my heart & I will look for pieces of you in me, as I raise these kids.